Rick and Morty's Bizarre Adventure
by Legham
Summary: Rick's infinite boredom and curiosity leads him on a journey across the universe of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Part 3, where a chance encounter with Dio presents them both with an excellent opportunity.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Rick sat at his work bench in the garage, having just put the finishing touches on some bizarre contraption resembling a TV remote. He stood up, wiped the accumulated sweat of a hard day's work off his brow and reached for the bottle on the edge of the bench, taking a long swig.

Suddenly, the back door flung open to reveal a panicked Morty.

"RICK! Ooh man, oh geez y-you gotta help me!"

Before Morty could begin to explain, Rick turned to face Morty, extending his arms in excitement and carelessly tossing his beer bottle across the room.

"Morty! You're just in time, check this shit out!" Rick exclaimed, walking towards Morty with his remote-like invention in hand.

A loud sound of glass breaking and what sounded like a whiny "Owww" coming from Jerry could be heard, but Rick ignored it.

"Alright Morty, put your dick back in your pants and buckle up, cause we're goin' on an ADVENTURE today!"

"Uhh...yeah, about that, Rick?" Morty interjected, "I think that serum I drank the other day that you said would make me twice as attractive just made me grow an extra di-"

"No time for that Morty!" Rick interrupted. He was far too giddy to test his invention out to be receptive of anything else at the moment.

"You remember that cable box I made that gave us access to literally every channel from every single reality? And the rest of your family were totally LAME and used it to live out this pathetic circle-jerk of their unfulfilled desires while we used it to watch cool TV shows?"

"Uhhh, yeah..but we already-"

"Well this is ten times better, Morty!" Rick interrupted again as he excitedly placed his arms on Morty's shoulders.

"This baby will randomly insert us into ANY cartoon plot in existence, Morty." Rick said as he put his head against Morty's and swept his arm outwards. "Just think of all the crazy hijinx we can get into with this thing Morty!"

Rick's enthusiasm was only met with a rather puzzled look on his grandson's face.

"I mean...th-that, that's real cool and all Rick, but...I don't really get the point of that, you know?"

Rick groaned. "The point, MORTY, is that cartoons are cool and real life is boring and meaningless", Rick hissed. "Also I had to think of something to do for this episode."

This only confused Morty even further. "Wait, wha-"

"And awaaaaaaaaaay we go!" Rick shouted as he pressed a big green button on the middle of the remote.

Reality began to distort around them as a bright pink light enveloped the area. Various strange, sci-fi-esque noises began to emanate, coupled with Morty's typical shrieks of distress.

The phenomenon soon ended as they appeared in a damp and dark room, shrouded by purple mist.

Morty began to nervously tug on Rick's lab coat.

"Ummm...Rick? Wh-where the hell are we?" Morty asked, darting his eyes about spastically.

Rick wondered this himself, puzzlingly rubbing his thumb and forefinger against his chin.

"Weeelllllll, judging by the random Japanese symbols floating around that ominous looking staircase there..." Rick stated, pointing at the purple Kanji symbols in the air that read 'Menacing', "it looks like we're in some kinda freaky-deeky anime world, Morty."

An indistinguishable shadowy figure began to emerge from the shrouding darkness at the top of the long staircase.

"Which means that whatever's gonna come out of those shadows over there is either a tentacle monster, a cute little girl, or an incredibly flamboyant muscle-man."

The figure slowly began to become more clear as it grew closer to the dim light surrounding the top of the staircase. The figure was that of a tall man with a very defined body build, wearing almost entirely orange clothes, a red cape, and green heart-shaped emblems on his headband and kneecaps.

Though Rick didn't know it, the man was Dio, who stared down at his new "guests" with a condescending smile.

Rick held back a chuckle at his correct assumption.

"Number 3 it is."

* * *

Dio knew that eventually, someone would surely find the mansion that he had been hiding himself in for so long. However, he expected the Joestars and their little travelling companions to be the first to plow through the many Stand users stationed throughout the mansion and appear to challenge his destiny.

So naturally he was a bit surprised to find two unremarkable looking humans standing before him. In all honesty they looked lost more than anything, the smaller one looking positively scared out of his mind. He decided that they could not possibly be here to fight him. If they were any sort of threat they would never have made it here in the first place; Terrence D'Arby or Pet Shop would have dealt with the likes of them easily.

But if Dio learned anything in his agonizingly long 120 years of life, it was to never underestimate anyone. They could very well be Stand users. In any case they were simply standing there like lost children, so maybe they were not hostile. Only one way to find out.

"You're awfully peculiar...what brings you here?" Dio asked, putting on a soothing, friendly voice.

Dio inadvertently bore his fangs as he spoke, prompting a terrified 'gulp' from Morty as he turned to leave.

"Uhhh, w-w-we were just leaving!" Morty laughed nervously, shaking as he walked.

Morty didn't get far before Rick grabbed his arm and jerked him back over to where he was.

"Morty would you ca-*belch*-lm down! You think this guy's gonna hurt us, he looks like a fuckin'-", Rick stammered as he thought of an appropriate analogy "-a fuckin' Cirque du Soleil reject for god's sake!"

Dio gave an amused smile as he approached Rick and Morty. They were certainly an interesting pair; the taller one in the lab coat particularly interested Dio. Normally whenever anyone first met him, they were riddled with uncontrollable fear, unable to move or even speak. This made them perfect for Dio to bend to his whims. This man, however, was different. It seemed he showed no fear whatsoever, and that alone warranted Dio's attention.


	2. Chapter 2

First things first, Dio would have to get the obvious out of the way and test these two intruders' potential. And he knew just the way. In an instant he brought out his Stand, The World, a yellow-hued muscly humanoid figure which closely resembled Dio himself. The World launched itself towards Rick and Morty, just stopping inches short of their faces.

Nothing. Not a single reaction, not even a flinch. So they weren't Stand users. This only piqued Dio's interest even more; no one would even think about entering his domain without a Stand. Did they come to him in search of one, perhaps?

Rick was getting tired of just standing around waiting for this oddly dressed vampire to explain himself, so he finally broke the silence.

"So anyway, I'm Rick Sanchez, from dimension C-137. You uh, probably don't know what that means."

Dio turned his head towards Morty intently.

"Oh and this is Morty. Don't mind him, he's a bit of a little bitch." Rick added nonchalantly.

Dio continued to stare at them silently.

"So like, what's your whole schtick? You a vampire, a demon, a street performer? We have about 18 more minutes to kill, so if you could like...say something? Do some crazy anime shit?"

Dio suddenly appeared directly in front of Morty, causing him to shriek in horror. Dio swiftly covered Morty's mouth with his cold, lizard like hand and looked him over briefly. He then turned to address Rick.

"Is this a minion of yours?" Dio asked curiously.

Rick was taken a bit aback by the odd wording of the question. He thought for a moment and replied:

"I mean, he kinda acts as a cloaking device, bu-uuut I also usually get him to test my inventions, pass me screwdrivers, help me gather dangerous materials...huh. Now that you mention it, I guess he kind of is my minion."

"RICK! I'm not-" Morty began to object before Rick interrupted.

"He's also my grandson. Things are getting a little antsy with his parents so he's stickin' with me, you know how it is."

Dio held back a scowl at his familial comment.

Morty, meanwhile, was looking more and more freaked out by the second, until he just couldn't take it anymore.

"Speak for yourself Rick! You can stay in this fucked up place all you want but you-ou-ou-ouuuu...just get me outta here first Rick! I wanna go home!" Morty yelled angrily.

"Ugh, FINE Morty!" Rick groaned, pulling out a second copy of his remote-like invention from his coat pocket and shoving it in Morty's hands. "I knew you'd pussy out before things got interesting, so I made another of these just in case. See that red button on the top left, Morty? Just press that and you'll be home, and you can go do your homework or masturbate in your room or whatever boring-ass shit your little heart desires while us ADULTS talk, Morty." Rick crossed his arms impatiently, waiting for Morty to hurry up and leave.

Morty stared at the remote for a moment, angrily clutching it in his hand.

"Fine, Rick! But when y-y-you get your blood sucked up, I'm not digging up your hollow corpse or whatever, Rick! Not again!" Morty firmly pressed the button and disappeared in a flash of light.

Rick sighed and turned to face Dio.

"Sorry about him."

Dio gave a light chuckle and shrugged.

"Not at all." It was for the best anyway. There was no way that child would have had the necessary strength of will to have his Stand awakened by the Stand Arrow. As far as Dio was concerned, the boy was useless.

"I suppose I haven't been a very gracious host. Allow me to introduce myself. I..." Dio paused dramatically as he began to contort his body into a flamboyant looking pose. "...am Dio!"

Rick had an utterly bewildered look on his face. "Dio...?" Rick extended his right arm as if presenting something; he was expecting Dio to finish with some sort of last name or title.

"Just 'Dio'." Dio replied in a matter-of-fact tone. He continued his introduction, slowly pacing around the room and occasionally swinging around the various stone pillars in the room as he spoke.

"And I, Dio, am plagued with a terrible predicament. You see, I have many plans for this world. And I, Dio, am to believe that given my abilities, I am to succeed in my goals without interference." He stopped pacing and pivoted to face Rick.

"However, there is one thing that I, Dio, fear may compromise my destiny."

Rick took a moment to interject. "You keep referring to yourself in the third person. You got like, some sort of complex, orrr...?"

Dio ignored the question and continued his speech.

"The Joestar bloodline." More confused looks from Rick ensued. "The only bloodline that has ever dared to oppose my might is no doubt seeking me out as we speak, aiming to kill me and ruin my plans." Dio paused to let Rick take all this in slowly. "And what's worse, they've managed to convert some of my subordinates over to their side in this crusade against me. How troublesome."

Rick placed his hand on his chin thoughtfully. "So in short, a bunch of assholes are trying to stop you from living life the way _you_ want to and getting shit done?" He placed his hand mournfully on his chest. "You have no idea how much I feel you right now. They in government?"

Dio's face scrunched up in confusion. He wasn't sure where in the hell Rick got that idea in his head.

"Anyway," Dio continued, "many of my minions have tried in vain to defeat the Joestars and their meddling tour group, much to my dismay. Normally I would take such personal matters into my own hands, but..."

Dio pulled down on the neck of his black spandex suit, revealing a deep scar running across his lower neck.

"This scar weakens me. As it stands now, I, Dio, may not be ready to face these men should they find me before my wound heals."

Rick couldn't believe how archaic this world must be, for a single scar to be such a hindrance. He suddenly had a brilliant idea.

"What, that thing there?" Rick said, pointing at Dio's wound almost mockingly. "I might have something for that, one sec."

Rick quickly pulled his remote out of his pocket and pressed the red button, disappearing in the same fashion as Morty did earlier.

Dio stepped back in shock, still trying to process what the hell just happened.

It wasn't long before Rick returned with an outlandish looking spray bottle with what seemed like an excessive amount of curves in its design.

Rick walked up to Dio, pointing the spray nozzle at his scar. A few spritzing sounds were heard before Rick stepped back to admire his work.

"Haha, heeeeyy, look at that! Good as new! Like you never got your head chopped off, or whatever the hell happened to you to get a scar like that, jesus."

Dio's eyes were widened and his mouth nearly agape in amazement as he moved his hand around his neck. It was incredible; he could no longer feel the lining of the scar at all. Healing such a wound, and in an instant...he had never even seen any Stand do this, and this man could do such remarkable things without one? He may have found the answer to his problems...

In fact, he may have found something even greater than that. Though he had many followers, there were none that he truly enjoyed the company of, or could trust with anything truly important. They were all nothing but blind worshippers, unquestionably catering to his every whim. Having spent many decades in absolute solitude, this had previously sufficed. But he soon grew tired of it. He yearned for a non-opposant equal, an intellectual he could connect with on even the smallest level. And it seemed he may have found one in Rick.

A charismatic smile stretched across Dio's face as he stared at Rick in contemplation.

Rick quizzically raised a eyebrow at the vampire, waiting for him to say something.

"Whoa, hey, what's with the face? Cause if you wanna drink my blood and all, I get it, it's your thing, whatever. But uh, fair warning: my blood alcohol content's probably waaaaay through the roof right now, so I'd heavily adv ***belch*** ise against it."

Dio didn't break his smile as he finally spoke up.

"...I have a proposition for you."


	3. Chapter 3

Rick's eyes lit up at the vampire's mention of a proposition. Finally, he could start getting down to whatever fun and crazy hijinx this world had to offer. Gaining superpowers, fighting some supernatural force, playing some overly complicated card game...whatever it was, Rick was undoubtedly in.

"Alriiight!" Rick clasped his hands, rubbing them together enthusiastically. "Now you're speakin' my language, lay it on me Count Chocula, whatcha got?"

Dio was so eager to lay out his new friend's task that he paid no mind to his odd name-calling. His smile widened as his mind filled with thoughts of the Joestars' demise, with the world edging closer and closer to his eternal grasp.

"Well, as I just finished telling you, I need the Joestars and their companions dead." Dio had given particular emphasis on the word "dead", spitting it out with an exceptionally deadly cadence.

"And though you have most graciously done away with the glaring weakness that plagues me," Dio said as he rubbed his now scar-less neck, "there is still one caveat to ridding myself of these pests that I simply cannot avoid..."

"Your emerging runway modelling career?" Rick guessed jokingly.

"Sunlight." corrected Dio. "As you are likely well aware, as a vampire I cannot enter even the tiniest ray of light, lest my body be reduced to cinders. A small price to pay for eternal youth, but it serves as quite the burden nonetheless. That's where you come in."

"I'm listening..." Rick replied, crossing his arms.

"You have already proven yourself to be quite capable. Surely you must have more of your strange contraptions that let you perform all sorts of miracles."

Rick couldn't help but laugh at Dio's use of the word "miracles" to describe what was perfectly explainable (and by this point almost second-nature) to Rick.

"Buddy, you have no idea." Rick claimed proudly.

"I see..." Dio drawled, looking as excited as ever. "With that in mind, my enemies would serve little threat to you." In all honesty, Dio wasn't entirely sure that this was true. But the less likely it seemed that Rick could stand to lose fighting them, the more appealing his request would be.

"You also have the advantage of being able to strike at day or at night at your leisure." Dio added as he took a short step towards Rick. "And so, I, Dio, humbly request that you eliminate these men for me, so that my mind may once again be at ease." he exclaimed, dramatically extending an arm out towards Rick.

Rick furrowed his brow, mulling over this man's unusual request for a few moments.

"Hmm...sounds fun and all, but killing a bunch of wacky-ass characters with who knows what kind of anime bullshit powers sure sounds like a loooooot of trouble to go through..." Rick wasn't about to risk his own ass for some guy who didn't even really exist without some benefit to him. "What's in it for me?"

Dio gave a satisfied smirk at Rick's question. He knew he would have to offer this man something in exchange, and given his power-hungry, thrill-seeking demeanor, he knew just the thing to seal the deal.

"I'm glad you asked", Dio replied with an amicable chuckle. "In addition to granting you with powers similar to mine, the power of a Stand..." Dio raised his hand at chest level in a grasping claw, then clutched the air around it as a manic, toothy smile stretched across his face.

"I shall grant you eternal life! "

Rick's typically lazy, half-closed eyes shot wide open at the prospect of eternal life. On top of the obvious benefit of no longer being able to drink himself to death, it meant that he could visit countless realities without fear of succumbing to whatever unknown horrors awaited him. The possibilities were near endless.

"Ho-ho! Now we're talking! Uh, just one thing though. Eventually that means I'm gonna outlive everyone and experience everything the universe has to offer, until I'm left alone with no sense of purpose and no way to end my existence. Will I still be able to…you know." Rick then placed his hands on either side of his head and mimicked a neck-snapping gesture.

Dio laughed softly, having actually considered this concept himself. "Not to worry. If you apply enough force, you should be able to tear apart your brain and die almost instantly." Dio assured him, tapping the side of his head lightly. "Though in time, I may have an alternate solution to your concern." Dio added, thoughts of his diary that detailed his plan entering his mind.

"Shit, I'm in! You've got yourself a deal, Mr. Anime Man!" Rick replied enthusiastically as he reached his hand out to shake Dio's.

Dio smiled and returned the gesture, placing Rick's hand in his a tad too firmly as they shook hands in agreement.

"Oh, and one further condition." Dio added. "Please, for the love of God, call me Dio." he said with a twinge of annoyance in his voice.

The two newfound partners in crime released their respective grips, and Dio walked slowly to the base of the staircase.

"Now, as resourceful as you may be, you will still require a Stand in order to have a fighting chance against these foes of mine." As Dio said this, he stealthily began to pull out a large arrow from his back pocket.

"Yeah, about that, what the hell is a Sta-AAAUUGH!" Rick suddenly felt a sharp, agonizing pain piercing into his neck as Dio inexplicably appeared right in front of him.

The pain grew and grew to the point where Rick's body felt completely numb. The arrow sunk deeper and deeper into his flesh like magic, until the entire arrow had delved into his body. All of a sudden, there was no longer pain.

"What the fuck, man!" Rick yelled in protest. "I thought we were on an ask-before-you-jab-a-massive-arrow-through-my-muscle-tissue basis! Jesus CHRIST that hurt, you could have killed me you idiot!"

Dio simply smiled in response, looking pleased as ever. "Relax, I knew you wouldn't die given your mental strength. Congratulations." Dio clapped his hands quietly in a mini-fanfare of his friend's success. "You passed the test of the Stand Arrow and were deemed worthy of the power of your own Stand."

Rick soon managed to calm down after the shock subsided. "Ugh, well it better damn well be the co ***belch*** olest thing ever to go through all that."

Dio gave a cocky grin as he once again brought out his own Stand. "See for yourself." The humongous, hulking Stand of Dio's was now completely visible to Rick, allowing him to finally grasp the power that Dio possessed through The World's physical presence alone.

"Holy shit!" Rick burst out in surprise. "What kinda jacked up roids is that thing taking, its hands are bigger than your head!"

Rick's amazement was only brought to further heights when the behemoth of a Stand let loose a fast-as-lightning punch onto a nearby stone pillar, shattering it into pieces effortlessly as if it were punching through wet toilet paper.

Dio remained silent for a few moments, giving Rick a moment to admire the insane capabilities of Stand Power.

"This is only the beginning of the unmitigated power a Stand possesses. Keep in mind, they aren't all power types like mine. Some take the form of an object or an animal, and can possess a near endless spectrum of individual abilities." The World began rapidly punching the air in an incredible display of speed; its fists becoming a blurry cascade of yellow as it slurred together a repetition of some odd battle cry unknown to Rick.

"In addition to its incredible speed and power, The World also has a much more special ability." Even if he could trust Rick, he wasn't willing to just reveal The World's true ability to him just yet. The only person who did know about his time-stopping abilities other than himself was Enyaba, and that was only due to the fact that she had told him of his ability and prompted him to nurture its potential. Rick, however, was one step ahead of him in this regard.

"It can stop time, right? Pretty cool." Rick inquired all too casually. Dio couldn't help but let out a slight gasp in absolute shock.

"H-how did you-" Dio stammered in disbelief. Pretty cool? He imagined most people would be positively awestruck upon discovering such an ability. Had this man experienced something like this before?

"Trust me, when you stop time for weeks on end, you tend to get a feel for when the flow of time gets all…janked." Rick responded. "Oh, and you probably already know this, but fair warning: don't fuck around with time too much. If you use your Stand or whatever to merrily go about fisting unsuspecting schmucks stuck in time limbo for too long, you might cause time to be unstable and create an endless feedback loop of possible outcomes…" Rick paused for a moment, not sure if Dio really understood the gravity of what he just explained. On top of this Dio was still a little surprised Rick managed to figure out his Stand ability so quickly.

"Okay I know I kinda made that seem like a _good_ thing, but it's 100% unambiguously a Very. Bad. Thing.™" Rick noted sternly, pointing an accusatory finger at Dio. "Oh yeah, and more importantly, I knew you stopped time cause before it happened, there was this really weird dub-steppy noise? Like 'Pthewwww…ticktickticktick'…like that. My old buddy Slow Mobius kinda makes a sound like that when he slows down time, standard stuff, really."

Dio had no words. It was best if he just moved on and got Rick to discover his own Stand's potential, this conversation was getting particularly grating.

"Well then, in any case, now that we've discussed _my_ Stand at length, it's high time you brought out your Stand. Now, a Stand is by no means an organic lifeform. It is a physical manifestation of your psychological energy that only you and other Stand users can see. This is why I had to pierce you with the arrow to ensure you received one of your own, otherwise you would be unable to see your upcoming opponents' Stands which would surely spell your defeat." Dio's lecture wasn't precisely foreign to Rick, but the mention of 'psychological energy' did prompt a blatant eye-roll from Rick.

"Y'know, being a man of science, I'd normally call bullshit on your hippie-dippie 'psychological energy' nonsense and chalk it all down to a bunch of hyper-realistic holograms. Buuuu-ut considering I just had an arrow about the size of my arm jammed into my windpipe and _survived_ , I'll go ahead and let this one slide." Rick replied, still with just a hint of doubt lingering on his face. "Alright Dio, give me the deets! How do I summon my own giant string-less marionette doll?" Rick was rubbing his hands together in anticipation; he was genuinely excited for what kind of crazy shit he's be able to pull off with his own Stand.

Dio had already grown used to Rick off-base ramblings by this point and paid little heed to most of it, simply wanting to get on with showing him his Stand's potential and accomplishing the goal he set out for him.

"Of course." Dio responded with utmost politeness. "It's a rather simple matter. Stands are controlled via the user's mentality, in other words whatever you will your Stand to do in your mind, it will do it. Provided that it is capable of doing so, that is. Each Stand has its own strengths and weaknesses, and things it can do that no other Stand can. Concentrate, imagine you are releasing the essence of your being in physical form. After your first time, it should come naturally to you, especially in dire circumstances." Dio waited on his newfound student's attempt.

"Again, still tempted to call hippie-dippie bullshit, but I'll give it a shot." Rick grumbled as he focused his mind as hard as he could, scrunching up his face intensely in a rather constipated looking fashion. "HHHHHNGGGGGHHHH!" Rick growled as a high-pitched squeaking noise emanated from behind him, coupled with a small green puff of air.

"Sorry, Taco Tuesday gets the best of me sometimes" Rick said with a laugh as he fanned the air around him with his hand."

Despite Rick's juvenile approach, Dio was smiling in satisfaction. He pointed his index finger, gesturing for Rick to look behind him. Rick did just that, and before him now stood a massive amalgamation of various things from Rick's universe, with a body mass similar to that of The World.

The Stand's face was uncannily bug-like, with goggle-shaped eyes that were filled in with a green and yellow spirally pattern mirroring the portals Rick often traversed through in his adventures. Its mouth was mosquito-esque in shape, closely resembling a thin beaker. Its most prominent feature was undoubtedly its hair, which was styled identically to Rick's but was a shining golden colour. It had a dark teal coloration throughout its body, and its torso down to its feet were covered in what appeared to be some sort of protective space armor with orange neon lights plastered over it. Most notably, it's arms and fists were utterly ginormous.

Rick turned around fully to take in the full glory of the phenomenal beast of a figure in front of him, staring at it with his mouth wide open in awe. After what seemed like an eternity, Rick finally was able to put the incredulity of what he was seeing into words.

"HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT! LOOK AT MY MOTHERFUCKIN' STAND, BITCHEEEEES! WOO!" Rick shouted in unrivaled joy as he took a long, celebratory swig from his flask.


	4. Chapter 4

Once Rick had removed himself from his euphoric state, he began willing his Stand to float around. He was starting to get a feel for how this worked. He remembered that Dio was able to make his Stand punch at an insanely fast speed, and wondered if his Stand could do the same. Sure enough, once Rick began to focus intensely his Stand was immediately striking the air in front of him in a flurry of fists.

Dio watched this display intently, making mental notes regarding the Stand's capabilities.

"It would seem as though your Stand is a close-range power type, just like mine." Dio nudged his head to the right, signalling Rick to look at the pillar next to him. "Try hitting that pillar there like I did."

Rick obliged as his Stand lunged out at the pillar, reeled back its arm and let loose a tremendous punch that made direct contact. The result of this punch, however, was not quite as expected. They figured that there would be nothing left of the structure but dust and rubble, but instead found that the pillar was completely intact. Even more oddly, a purple-hued portal had appeared where Rick's Stand had punched.

Dio mused over this new development, eager to see if this ability would finally rid him of the Joestars, whatever it was. If Rick's Stand truly possessed both immense strength and a unique Stand ability, it could prove to be a Stand that rivals even The World's might. Dio reflexively cringed a bit at the thought of it. There was no Stand, no being in the universe that could hope to surpass The World.

If Rick was as curious as Dio was, he didn't show it. The portal didn't seem to lead anywhere; placing his hand on the portal didn't make it phase through like one would expect. It was pretty much anything goes in this batshit cartoon universe, and so try as he might Rick couldn't think of any reasonable solution. He tried punching the pillar to the left of him this time, to see if the portal would appear again.

A portal did infact appear, but something was different. Instead of a simple purple spiraly pattern, inside the rim of the portal was the back of Rick's head, as if he was looking at himself from inside the right-hand side pillar. Now it all made sense.

"Ugh, god, is my bald spot actually _that_ bad?" Rick poked around at his scalp curiously before returning to the task at hand. Once again he reached his arm out and stuck it through the left pillar's portal, and wasn't the least bit surprised to see his hand sticking out the other portal. His Stand could even do the same.

"Niiiiceeee, this is pretty neat. I could reeaaally fuck with somebody using this." Rick said sinisterly, his mind wandering to the many possibilities for mischief he could get into with this ability. Of course, he could always make portals, but not ones that were interconnected or that manifested this quickly.

Dio observed Rick as he played around with his newfound powers. The scientist was conjuring portals left and right, testing different aspects of them such as travel and trajectory speed, as well as how objects of different masses interacted with them.

"I understand your desire to be as thorough as possible here, Rick," Dio spoke up as he walked towards him, "but time will be of the essence with your first target."

Rick sighed, promptly deactivating the portals and allowing his Stand to fade away for the time being. "Didn't know vampires also had to suck out all the fun out of everything. Why's that?"

In response Dio reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a photo. It was of a tall man sporting a green trench coat and pants, with a rather long face and pink-ish red hair that pointed outwards and ended in a strange, wavy mass.

"This is Kakyoin Noriaki, your first target." said Dio, pointing at the man in the photograph.

"The hell's up with his hair?" Rick blurted out. He pauses for a moment then glanced at Dio's hair, fighting the urge to cringe at his weird choice of spikey, blonde mullet wrapped around a bandanna. The bandanna only really served to restrict his hair's flow; it was easily his least flattering feature.

"Uh, y'know what, never mind..." Rick conceded, allowing Dio to continue.

"There's a reason why you are to take him out first. You see, we've happened upon a stroke of luck. According to reports I've recieved, Kakyoin is currently being hospitalized, after his eyes were sliced by one of my Stand users." Dio made a sweeping flick of the wrist across Kakyoin's eyes in the photo as he said this, for dramatic effect of course.

"For the time being, he's blinded. I suspect that he will be brought back to good health relatively soon though, if he is under the intensive care of the Speedwagon Foundation."

Rick nodded agreeably, pretending as if he had even an iota of context about any of this. He really didn't want to be bored with the trivial details, and he had the feeling that Dio didn't feel like explaining them either.

"So you want me to kill a completely unsuspecting blind kid who's presumably fresh out of high school?" Rick concluded, a twinge of doubt in his voice. "...I'm game."

Dio smirked, satisfied with Rick's casual attitude to the moral implication of the mission. "It will be the perfect opportunity to test out your Stand in actual combat, given that your opponent will be at a huge disadvantage. Once you defeat him it should give you a better understanding of your Stand's capabilities." Dio paused as his expression suddenly grew more serious.

"However," he added, "this man is not to be underestimated. None of them are. While he may not be able to see, he can still hear, which means any sudden moves sprung at him are sure to provoke an attack. They have been under attack practically every day by different Stand users, so their bodies are in a constant state of alert. It's of utmost importance that you finish him quickly and discreetly." He had the feeling that the latter may not be accomplished.

"Uh, okay lemme just interje* **belch** *ct here." Rick interrupted, very clearly annoyed with Dio's logic. "I can do discreet, but have you _seen_ this fucking thing?!" Rick yelled as he brought out his Stand. He stretched his arms outwards towards the massive creature to his right. "I don't give a rat's ass if the kid's blind, if I didn't command this thing its presence alone would be enough to-to-to fuckin'...make me wanna shove a toothpick up my urethra!"

Dio rolled his eyes. He just wanted to get on with the plan already, his time concern was getting more vexing by the minute.

"For what it's worth - and believe me it's worth a lot - you will have the advantage of knowing what his Stand's abilities are, should you be forced to actually fight him." Dio assured him as he prepared a mental list of techniques the Stand possessed. He began to talk in a much faster pace as he explained, becoming rather monotonous in the process.

"His Stand is Hierophant Green, a long range manipulation Stand. It has fairly low effectiveness in close combat, but incredibly high range and scouting potential. It's body is comprised of a series of membranes that can be unraveled at will, acting as rope, string or simply as a way to manipulate its anatomy structure. It has a powerful projectile attack in Emerald Splash, which fires a high-speed blast of energy taking the form of small emeralds with a shotgun-like dispersion. This attack can be repeatedly fired rather quickly, leaving little reaction time between shots if taken off guard. It can also extend its coils and slide them into a person, allowing Kakyoin to essentially possess them, but it is unlikely that he will ever use this technique due to-"

Dio trailed off as he noticed that Rick suddenly shot up his hand like a teacher's pet who knew the exact answer to the a question, hardly being able to contain his excitement at his correct response.

"Um...yes?" Dio addressed Rick in utter confusion.

"Will this be on the test?" Rick asked in a condescending voice.

Dio cocked his head and quite literally hissed at Rick in response.

"Hmph. In any case, you'll also need to get there. I can arrange you a drive for-"

Rick simply laughed at Dio's proposition. "Drive? Jesus, I haven't had to drive in...I'll be right back."

With that, Rick pulled out the remote and pressed the red button, once again disappearing from Dio's view.

Dio let out a long sigh. He never thought he'd meet a man that was as enigmatic as himself.

With a flash of light Rick soon returned, this time with his portal gun in hand.

"Alright, so thankfully this world is at least lo* **belch** *osely based on Earth, cause this baby can send me literally anywhere so long as I have the coordinates. So just tell me where to go and I'll science my way over there."

Dio didn't even react, at this point nothing could surprise him anymore.

"The hospital is in Aswan, it shouldn't be too hard to spot."

Rick was already rapidly punching in coordinates as Dio was talking.

"Oh, and one more thing, there might be another-"

Rick was already gone. Dio stood in silence for a good while crossing his arms and looking rather unimpressed. He made an apathetic face and shrugged. "He'll find out for himself."

* * *

As Dio said, it didn't take him long to find the place since it had the letters "SPW" plastered all over it. It was almost as if they _weren't_ suspecting a inter-dimensional traveler to assassinate one of their patients.

As he made his way over, he thought over how exactly he would go about killing this freaky hair guy. In all honesty, there was no shortage of ideas brimming through Rick's creative mind. As much as he wanted to do something absurd, like somehow acquire an anvil somewhere and Looney Tunes-style drop it on his head through a portal, he found the word "discreet" echoing in his mind. Rick let out a mental sigh. He would get to play with his powers later, he supposed. The best course of action was probably sneak up to him while he's asleep and snap his neck. Given that his Stand's arms were about the size of fucking tree trunks, it wouldn't take much effort.

As the hospital came closer into view, he noticed that there was someone out front lounging against the wall who looked to be an employee. The realization hit Rick like a truck, of course he couldn't just walk into a hospital without arousing suspicion. If he pretended to be a visitor then he'd probably be escorted in, alerting the target's attention.

Luckily this was a perfect opportunity. Rick vaguely remembered Dio mentioning that non-Stand users couldn't see Stands. There was always the possibility that this random hospital employee _could_ have a Stand, but something about his cheery whistling in what was approaching 100° weather told Rick otherwise. He sneaked over to the side of the hospital, keeping his back to the wall while watching for any observers, He crept over to the corner, waiting patiently for his time to strike. Then suddenly, he had a brilliant idea. He whipped out his Stand, willing it to punch just to the right of Rick, creating a portal as expected. Once the SPW employee had stopped leaning against the wall for a moment, Rick moved his Stand around the corner and punched the wall directly behind the employee. Now for the simpler part.

Rick determinedly cracked his knuckles, lunging his Stand's arms forward through the portal like hungry claws. Almost instantly his hands found their way to the employee's neck via portal passageway, and with a quick **_snap_** , he was dead before he had much chance to react or make too much noise. Now he had the perfect disguise.

* * *

Rick had honestly expected to have to improvise dozens of excuses for why he was going to see Kakyoin alone, essentially having to impersonate a medical doctor without any sort of inkling as to what was going on. He instead found that most of the employees were absolutely losing their shit over some other guy just being taken in to emergency treatment due to a neck wound. They were legitimately _screaming_. Weren't these guys supposed to be professionals?

He decided not to question it and just try to find the right room as quickly as possible before anyone noticed. He power-walked through the halls, glancing at each doorway until finally he spotted a wavy pink tip pointing out from one of the beds. Yep, that was him alright. He tiptoed his way in, trying desperately to make absolutely no noise as he creeped closer and closer to Kakyoin's bedside. He slowly but surely made his way to the left-hand side of the bed, hoping to get as close to neck-level as possible. As he made what was planned to be his last step before finishing the job, he felt his foot pushing against something. But when Rick looked down, he saw nothing.

Suddenly, a loud popping noise emitted behind Rick, sending a barrage of small emerald-shaped projectiles flying towards his back. Rick barely had time to turn around before the blast made impact, and the force sent Rick careening forward as he crashed into a wall. Kakyoin's eyebrows furrowed as he slowly got up to his feet.

"A Stand user!" Kakyoin exclaimed, pointing directly at Rick. Rick was positively baffled. How in the hell did he know where to shoot? Wasn't this kid supposed to be blind?

"I don't know who you are, but I told everyone in the hospital _never_ to approach me from the sides of the bed without asking, and told them to relay that message to anyone coming in to see me!" Kakyoin yelled, still directly facing Rick. "Which means…you are an _enemy!_ "

Strands of neon green string began to appear one by one throughout the floor, which then ravelled together to form a green humanoid figure with what appeared to be a gas mask of some sort on its face.

"No one sneaks past my Hierophant Green!" Kakyoin yelled as his Stand began to press its hands together, causing a green watery substance to form an orb between its palms.

Rick was starting to recover from the blast's damage. His body was wracked with painful trembling, but he soon made it back to his feet. "How…* **cough** *…how the _fuck_ is that thing a god damn hierophant? It looks like an alien invader sent specifically to fondle and then _eat_ orphan children." Rick groaned, still a bit weak from the blow. "Also did you _actually_ name your Stand after a fucking colour? Jesus Christ."

As Rick got up, he was already beginning to formulate a plan. Although he had given away his position by crashing into the wall, in addition to his now ragged breathing, he figured that he might be able to use Kakyoin's inability to currently see his Stand as well as his reliance on sound to his advantage. He placed a portal on the ground right below him, waiting for Kakyoin to make his next move.

Kakyoin wasted no time and continued his assault on Rick. " **EMERALD SPLASH!** " the moment Kakyoin fired the blast, Rick's Stand rushed to the left side of where Kakyoin was standing and made a portal on the wall. At the same time, Rick grabbed a random wrench from his toolbelt and biffed it at a table to the right with many glasses sitting on it. The glass shattered loudly, causing Kakyoin to look in that direction. He swiftly fired another Emerald Splash where he heard the noise, but unbeknownst to him Rick was already on the opposite side of where Kakyoin was facing.

Kakyoin had soon become confused, expecting a painful gasp or scream from his assailant. Somehow, he had missed him completely. He suddenly pivoted around in a complete 180 and fired towards Rick. However, he was able to escape due to the portal being right behind him. Rick shifted his weight to the right when he came through the floor portal so as not to fall through the portals in a constant loop. Which now that he thought of it, gave him another idea.

Kakyoin was getting desperate now, fittingly resorting to firing Emerald Splash barrages blindly in every which direction. However, Rick knew that he would never even _consider_ firing directly upwards at the ceiling. With that in mind, he commanded his Stand to reach up and uppercut the ceiling as Rick hopped in the floor portal. As he descended onto Kakyoin, his Stand let loose a furious onslaught of punches as it began to rapidly shout its battlecry.

 **WUUUUUBA-LUBBA-LUBBA- LUBBA-LUBBA -LUBBA-LUBBA -LUBBA-LUBBA -LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA -LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA -LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..**

Rick's Stand reeled its arm back in preparation for one last devastating punch.

 **DUB DUB!**

Kakyoin let out a terrible scream of agony as his body flew backwards, slumping limply against the door. Rick dusted off his hands in self-congratulation and walked over to his motionless body to check for a pulse.

"Still breathing" Rick muttered in annoyance. He dragged Kakyoin by his legs to the center of the room and took note of the portal still on the ceiling. A malicious grin formed on the scientist's face. "Oh-ho-ho MAN, this is gonna be cool."

After making some careful measurements, he determined the spot to place his victim's body so that it was exactly at the spot below the ceiling portal with no horizontal variance. Then, he lifted Kakyoin's body up a bit just to make room for the floor portal. His plan all set up, he dropped Kakyoin into the floor portal, which immediately sent him falling through the ceiling portal. The cycle continued, with momentum making him travel faster and faster each time until his body was becoming an indistinguishable blur of green and pink.

Rick counted down on his fingers. 3-2-1. With a snap of his fingers the bottom portal deactivated, creating a large, impactful splat leaving a mess of blood and guts splattered over the entire room. Kakyoin's body was unrecognizable. As entertaining a killing method it was, even Rick couldn't help but be grossed out.

"Eugh, okay, note to self: Next time, choose a less messy execution method."

As he reached for his trusty portal gun, eager to return for his next mission, he heard the door open as a man dressed in a red baggy overcoat, adorned with a large necklace that sported many Egyptian symbols. The man's face carried a deadly expression.

"Y-you…" Avdol growled, seething with rage. "What the hell have you done to Kakyoin?!"

* * *

To Be Continued


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Avdol glared at Rick menacingly in silence, averting his eyes from the mess left behind from the slaughter of his dear companion.

Rick assumed the man's question was rhetorical, as anyone with a pair of functioning eyeballs could see that he murdered Kakyoin. The red-garbed man's body grew tense, positioning himself in a battle-ready stance. His immediate decision to fight despite his neck being clearly bandaged combined with his flamboyant appearance all but confirmed to Rick that he was another Stand user, and was probably of of the people that Dio wanted dead.

As confident as Rick was in his ability, he was still a bit reluctant to make the first move. Unlike his fight with Kakyoin, this guy had actually gotten the drop on him, so Rick hadn't the faintest idea of what kind of bat-shit crazy powers he might have at his disposal.

Rick got at least a part of his answer as Avdol let out a furious cry, revealing a large, humanoid chicken-like creature. Its head and talons was much like that of a bird, but it stood upright with more human limbs.

" **RED BIND!** " Avdol commanded as his Stand let out a shrill caw. Dancing flames emitted from his Stand and lashed out at Rick at an incredible speed. Tendrils of fire quickly wrapped their way around Rick's wrists and ankles, lifting Rick up off the ground and into the wall behind him as if they had a mind of their own.

"Attacking a defenseless blind man, in a hospital no less. Tsk, Tsk" Avdol wagged his finger back and forth. "I should expect as much from one of Dio's minions."

He took a deep breath and raised an open-palmed hand at Rick, his Stand mirroring the gesture.

"But, I'm afraid your massacre ends here. My Stand, Magician's Red, will reduce you to ash without a second thought."

Even in the face of what might very well be his death, it was impossible for Rick not to groan in annoyance.

"Again with the colours thing. Look, I know that you guys are like a squad and you wanna get a theme going or whatever, but you could not have picked a lamer one."

Rick's comments were only met with a tired sigh from Avdol. Luckily for Rick, between the time it took for Rick to insult him and the time Avdol spent winding his body into a dramatic pose before attacking, Rick hatched up a plan to escape his burning shackles.

It was a good thing he never deactivated his portal he had placed on the ceiling. While Avdol prepared his attack, Rick made his Stand punch the wall behind him, creating a link between the two portals. He quickly lunged his torso backwards the instant he saw flames shoot out from Magician's Red's talons, causing him to fall through the ceiling and land mere inches from Avdol. The cuffs of flame were mounted to the wall, causing them to stay there as Rick detatched himself from them using the momentum of traversing through the portals.

He couldn't quite get his footing in time, but he had enough time for his Stand to get a swing in at Avdol, who was too busy processing what just happened to counterattack. Avdol was sent straight into the already damaged wall behind him, causing him to crash through it and land a few feet outside.

Rick bent his knees and leaned forward, looking like he was ready to break out into a full sprint.

"Well, if ya can't beat 'em, join 'em."

Rick dashed towards his newly created exit-way and dove forward through it into a somersault, trying his very best to replicate the ridiculous poses he had grown so used to seeing by now.

"My Stand, Get Schwifty, is gonna wreck your shit!" Rick exclaimed triumphantly, looking ever so ridiculous in the process.

*crack*

"Oww, fuck!" Rick arched his back and clutched it with his hands in pain. "Seriously, how do you freakshows do this shit so consistently?"

* * *

Stand Name: Get Schwifty

Stand User: Rick Sanchez

Stats:

Power: A

Speed: B

Durability: A

Precision: A

Range: E (Attack range is only about 5 metres but the range between two portals can be infinite)

Developmental Potential: A

* * *

Rick's little display left Avdol a tad confused, if only because it was rather unusual for a Stand to be named after something other than a tarot card or an Egyptian god.

"We will fight out here from this point onwards." Avdol insisted sternly. "I won't have any collateral damage in this fight!"

Rick shrugged. "Eh, leaves more open space for my portals and shit anyways."

Avdol scowled at Rick. "So then, your Stand can create portals to move from place to place." He gave a smug smirk and made his Stand fully materialize once more.

"Then I'll make sure there's nowhere you're safe! **CROSSFIRE HURRICANE...SPECIAL!** "

A humongous flame in the shape of an Ankh burst forth from Magician's Red, making its way towards Rick. Just as he was about to use his portals to escape the blast, it suddenly split into dozens of tiny flames that spread out in a circle, all of which narrowly avoided Rick and plunged into the earth in various different spots.

Rick wasn't quite sure what to make of it. One thing he did know, however, is that this guy didn't seem like the type to fuck around. There's no way he'd normally be able to miss with such a widespread attack anyway. No, Rick was certain that this little shit missed him on purpose. He was up to something, but what?

Avdol swept his arms and unleashed another large Ankh of flames at Rick. Rick had to think fast, why did Avdol miss earlier? He said something about "not being safe anywhere". Typically Rick would write off such an extreme statement as a poorly played bluff, but given Avdol's demeanor thus far, he was definitely the type that wore his heart on his sleeve. The only safe place to stay was right where Rick was standing.

He summoned Get Schwifty in front of his with its arms crossed over its face in a defensive stance. As the flames made impact, Get Schwifty's body burst into flames, but Rick had actually suffered less damage then he would have figured. The flames slowly died out, and once the smoke had cleared the charred remains of Get Schwifty's protective layer of space armour could be seen. Rick had been spared the full brunt of the blast, although he did have a few bad burns on his arms and legs to show for it.

"Heh, so that spacesuit wasn't just for show." Rick boasted, looking smug as ever despite his circumstances. Avdol simply stood there, mouth agape in shock. Be that as it may, Rick knew he couldn't just stand here and take his attacks head-on forever. In fact, one more would probably kill him outright. He had to kill Avdol, and quickly.

Rick could avoid any direct attack with his portals. Avdol knew this, and yet he claimed Rick would have nowhere to escape to. That likely meant that anywhere Rick emerged from, the portal would still result in him getting hit with the flames. Did Avdol create some sort of landmine field around the area? Is that why they burrowed into the ground like that? In any case, Rick knew decisively now that Avdol's claim was no bluff. He _wanted_ Rick to move out of the way, otherwise he would have used that bind technique again and killed him before he had the chance to use his portals.

Rick's head was hung in mock defeat as Avdol readied his next attack.

"As I said, there is nowhere you can move." Avdol said solemnly as he raised his hand to fire another blast. Before he could fire, however, Rick smiled maniacally and suddenly lifted his head up to face Avdol.

"Then I'll just have to make _you_ move _for_ me!" A portal instantly appeared below Avdol's feet as another materialized over to the left where one of the smaller flames had landed. Avdol fell through the portal, and just as planned he came out the other portal on fire, wailing in pain.

"YES!" shouted Rick, pumping his fist in the air. "How do ya like that? Next time don't talk before you try to kill someone, you James Bond villain-ass motherfucker!"

Avdol fell to the ground, not yet dead but in far too much agony to even lift a finger.

Rick slowly walked up to Avdol, looking as apathetic as ever to the plight of the man burning to death in front of him. Rick squatted over to Avdol, lifting his chin up so that he could look in Rick's eyes.

"Hey man, don't feel too bad." Rick put on the most condescending tone he could muster. "I'll be a good sport. Here, I'll tell ya what." Rick then pulled out his flask from his coat pocket and teasingly dangled it in front of Avdol's now widened eyes.

"You can finish my drink." Rick whispered oh-so morbidly. He turned and walked away, tossing his flask over his shoulder directly into Avdol's still burning body and never looking back. The alcohol renewed ignition to the flames in the distance as Rick pulled out his trusty remote and pressed the red button, returning home to heal his wounds.

* * *

As soon as Rick got back home, he began rummaging around his drawers for something he could use to heal the various burns and cuts he sustained. His search was interrupted by Morty opening the garage door.

"Oh my god, Rick!" Morty yelled, rushing towards him frantically. "W-w-what the hell is all this, Rick, huh?!" Morty asked accusingly, gesturing at the general area of Rick's injuries. "I told you Rick, that guy's a fucking nutcase! Jeez, w-what the hell'd he do to you?"

"God, calm down Morty! Dio just got me to kill a few guys, that's all." Rick crossed his arms defensively.

"That's all?! You could have died, Rick!"

"Pfft." Rick scoffed. "They were pushovers, Morty! And look, once I kill the rest of em, I'll never have to worry about dying again." Rick then turned away and returned to his rummaging.

Morty stared at Rick in confusion for a moment, having no idea what he was on about. "Wait, what do you mean?"

"All I gotta do is kill a bunch of freaks that don't even exist, and that vampire dude's gonna make me immortal babyyyyy! Fuck yeaaaah, immortal Riiiick!" Rick yelled as he threw his hands up in the air excitedly.

This only returned an angry glare from Morty, who at this point knew there was no convincing him. "You know what, Rick? I don't even care anymore." he said dejectedly. "But," he added, "if you die, you know Mom will never get over it."

Rick turned his head back around at Morty upon hearing this, but he was already out the door. He took a deep, sullen sigh as he stuck a large syringe into himself which began to heal his injuries.

"...I know."

Rick snapped out of his melancholy state and determinedly pressed the remote's "rewind" button, sending him back into the world of Dio to finish what he started.


	6. Chapter 6

A light drizzle poured down on the streets of Aswan as the remaining Crusaders returned to the hotel they were staying at. They were taking a huge risk in terms of time by doing this. By Joseph's estimation, it wouldn't be long now before Holly would no longer be able to bear the brunt of Dio's curse; they had to find Dio quickly.

But they couldn't leave Kakyoin and Avdol behind. Without Avdol's calm and collected attitude and Kakyoin's tactical prowess, they'd face more adversity than they could handle against the hoards of unknown Stand users that Dio would send to fight them. Joseph had left the doctors the number to his hotel room, so the moment that Kakyoin and Avdol were back to health, he would know about immediately and they could continue their journey.

Even so, when he returned to his room he did not expect to receive 6 messages in quick succession, all from the Speedwagon Foundation. He figured that their penchant for excited outbursts meant that the operations had gone more smoothly than expected, and were so overjoyed to share the news that they called multiple times in hopes that he would pick up the phone eventually.

The messages were instead mostly unintelligible, with occasional panicked screams of "Mr. Joestar!" being heard amongst the background noise of glass breaking, crumbling rubble and blazing flames.

Joseph stood there stiffly in shock. It was pretty much impossible to get any straight information from these messages, but he knew that whatever the situation was, it did not bode well at all.

Joseph swiped the large polaroid camera from the table, bolted out the door and hollered down the hallway.

"Jotaro! Polnareff! There's an emergency, come quickly!"

Two nearby doors soon flung open as Jotaro and Polnareff left their respective rooms and ran towards Joseph. Iggy followed Polnareff closely behind.

"What is it old man?" Jotaro asked with more of a concerned tone than usual.

Iggy was just sitting lazily behind them, with the same dopey expression he always carried.

Polnareff looked incredibly flustered by the commotion; his typically perfectly symmetrical cone-shaped hairstyle was a tangled mess at the moment.

"This better not be another one of your pranks, Mr. Joestar!" Polnareff scolded. "I've still been trying to get the gum out of my hair from last time!"

"Trust me, it's not. Come inside, hurry." Joseph said as he motioned the two to enter his room.

Joseph placed his camera onto a coffee table in the middle of the room, the three men now huddled around the table.

Joseph's vagueness only furthered Jotaro's impatience. "Oi, old man! What the hell is going on anyway?"

"Calm down, Jotaro! " Joseph replied sternly. "I'm not sure what's happenening myself, but I did get several messages from the Speedwagon Foundation, and they sounded very distressed."

Joseph's body began to form a purple aura as sparking vines appeared around him. He lifted his right arm up in the air and chopped down on the camera, instantly breaking it apart as crackling electricity sizzled through its shattered remains. Despite the camera clearly being demolished, two photos were printed out of the camera.

The three were tense with anticipation as Joseph grabbed the photographs and flipped them over to the picture side. The images slowly faded into view. One of them showed Kakyoin's splattered remains on the hospital floor, and the other showed Avdol's burning corpse on the ground just outside the hospital. Both photos featured Rick's wide eyed, smiling face being very close to the camera, obscuring most of the details. Rick was essentially photo-bombing Joseph's spirit photography.

Joseph gasped at the shocking sight before him. Polnareff's mouth was agape, barely finding his will to speak.

"Avdol...Kakyoin..It can't be..." Polnareff gasped. "They're...they're-!"

At this moment, even Iggy's expression began to change. His eyes were no longer lazily half-closed, and his typically drooling wide-open mouth formed a grim frown.

Jotaro just stood there in silence scowling at the photos, the rim of his hat hiding what was surely a pained expression in his eyes.

Tears began to well up in Polnareff's eyes as he suddenly sprang upright from his squatted position.

"This can't be real...Avdol...not again!" The Frenchman suddenly punched the wall beside him, leaving a nasty dent in the drywall. Joseph knew his friend's distress all too well. "Polnareff..." He extended his arm out to Polnareff's shoulder, but he swatted it away and suddenly ran off, grabbing the two spirit photos as he did so.

"I'm tired of sitting around, I'm gonna find the man who did this and shove my sword down that bastard's throat!" Polnareff yelled.

"Wait, Polnareff!" Joseph cried as he began to chase after Polnareff. However, he felt an arm gripping his shoulder. He turned around to see his grandson halting him.

"Jotaro!" Joseph protested. Jotaro heaved a sigh and let go of his grandfather's shoulder. "Good grief...It looks like he still hasn't learned." Jotaro glanced out the window where he could see Polnareff continue to run off. "But if I'm wrong, he'll come back."

* * *

"Tell me, Pucci..." Dio said softly as he looked into his friend's eyes. "Do you believe in gravity?" His golden-hued eyes were practically staring into Pucci's soul as he spoke.

Meanwhile, a green swirly portal had just manifested near the massive staircase in Dio's mansion. Rick stepped out, expecting to see Dio sitting at the top of the stairs as usual. This time he was nowhere to be found.

"Yo, Dio!" Rick's voice echoed through the halls. "Hey DIIIIII-OOOOO~!" Rick called out playfully. "What, do you switch brooding spots every hour or something? HELLOOOO?"

Nothing. Rick slowly walked up the staircase, glancing left to right hoping to see or hear any sign of him. He continued to holler through the mansion.

"Hey look, if this is about the whole 'Count Chocula' thing, don't worry, that bit's run it's course."

As Rick was about to pass a large door by the top of the staircase, he could hear muffled speaking coming from it. It sounded like Dio's voice. Rick employed the classic move of knocking twice politely followed by entering immediately afterwards anyway.

"Hey, so not that I care, but FYI there was another-" Rick stopped at the sight of a shirtless Dio sprawled over the bed and a tall, slightly effeminate black man wearing black robes and a mostly shaved head save for some weird cryptic pattern made of his remaining hair that merged into his facial hair.

Rick cleared his throat and fake-coughed awkwardly, taking a few steps back out the door.

"Okay, well I see that you're busy. I'll just uh...be outside, you two have fun."

Dio began to open his mouth in protest but Rick interrupted, not wanting Dio to make things more awkward than they already were.

"Hey man, no worries, I don't judge." Rick held his hands up defensively. "Jeez, if this wasn't an anime world I'd say this is a real sitcom moment." Rick quickly slipped out and shut the door, trying his best to patiently wait by the bottom of the staircase.

After what felt like ages in what Rick thought to be a pretty barren room, Dio finally returned.

"My apologies, there was urgent business I had to attend to." Dio was trying to be as vague as possible. It may not bode well if Rick found out he had another close colleague he was meeting with.

"Yo, hey man, I get it." Rick replied casually. "Not being able to interact with the outside world for long periods of time can make a guy pretty..." He decided to stop his sentence there and cleared his throat. "Anyway, I killed that weird pink-haired guy and his dumb friend."

Dio was rather puzzled at this. "Friend?" It took him about half a second to realize who he meant. "Oh, you mean Avdol. I was _about_ to tell you about him, but you left before I could finish." Dio didn't bother trying to hide his annoyance. This man was a genius, that much was certain. But he certainly possessed very little patience and seemed to rush into things without much care. Such is the burden of immense confidence, Dio mused.

"Hmmph. I suppose I should commend you regardless. You've dealt with two very competent Stand users in such a short time-span, and appear none the worse for wear." Dio gave a satisfied smile as he readied more photos of the remaining Crusaders from his pocket.

"What can I say," Rick shrugged, "killing people for fun and profit with no real-world consequences is what I do best. Oh yeah, and I guess it helped that I don't have to punch shit to create portals now. When I fought that crazy chicken guy I just kinda..aggressively _thought_ about placing a portal and it happened. Kinda ruins the flavour of the Stand if you ask me, but hey."

After an incredibly thorough and lengthy explanation of the Crusaders' Stand abilities, Rick readied himself to head back to Aswan, where Rick and Dio assumed they would surely be waiting to pick up their friends from the hospital.

Just as Rick was about to step through the portal, Dio cleared his throat as blatantly as possible. Rick turned his head to face him, praying to every god in non-existence that whatever he had to say was brief.

"Now," Dio began rather condescendingly, "let's go over it again: What Stand abilities did I say they had?"

Rick let out an annoyed groan before quickly going over what he could recall. He could swear this dude was more paranoid than Morty sometimes.

"Cone-head guy has sw* **belch** *ords and shit and can move really fast if his Stand undresses. Indiana Jones lookin' motherfucker has purple vines that let him see stuff that isn't there. Also has sunlight electricity or some shit. And uh...hair hat guy punches real fast. Can I go now?"

Dio honestly wanted to say "No". He was not nearly satisfied with Rick's bare-bones recalling of his explanation, but at this point he knew this was the best he was going to get out of him. If he dealt with Avdol with literally zero intel, he should be fine. If not, then at least he could always count on himself above all else. Dio sighed.

"I suppose that will do. Go on, then." Dio raised his hand and made a shoo-ing gesture in Rick's general direction. His post century-long nap groggyness made him perpetually too tired to deal with this.

With that, Rick made his way off, but not before being interrupted by Dio yet again.

"Oh, and one more thing..."

Rick was beginning to lose his patience. "Ugh, WHAT?"

Dio placed his hand on his chin in thought. "You should probably give your Stand a name. Normally we name them after tarot cards, but it seems the lot of them have been taken. Egyptian gods are also a common-"

Dio was cut off by Rick, who of course had already came up with his Stand name. "Oh, I already named it Get Scwifty." Rick said plainly before disappearing inside the portal.

Dio swiftly brought his palm to his face, wondering what in the hell he signed up for by taking this man on as an apprentice.

* * *

After Rick arrived back in Aswan, he was surprised to find himself waiting at the hospital for over an hour. He figured these guys would have came to visit their friends or something, but no one came.

That's when he realized the terrible mistake he made. He completely forgot to get rid of all those employees. Rick was kicking himself for this, he was so caught off-guard by the sudden appearance of Avdol that he just left the scene without taking care of them. Rick made a full sprint to the nearby town, hoping to find them and somehow get one of them alone before they left to parts unknown. As long as they stayed in this part of Egypt, he could probably find them with relative ease.

Rick was at least partially right. As he leisurely strolled through the town, he saw a perfect match to the Frenchman with the tower of a hairdo from Dio's photograph. He quickly ran behind the nearest wall, he was not about to fight any of these guys on their terms if they happened to know who he was. He had the element of surprise on his side and he intended to keep it that way.

As he peered around the corner, he found that his suspicions were more than warranted. Polnareff was stopping every citizen he came across, showing them photos and asking them if they've seen the person who was in them. At first Rick wondered as to how they even managed said photos of him, but then he remembered Dio's mention of "spirit photography" and it all clicked in his mind. This wasn't good.

However, Rick soon found a way to turn this guy's obsession with finding him into an advantage. What brand of idiot was this guy anyway, going off alone after his friends were killed precisely _because_ they were alone? He was like a walking horror film trope.

Rick was glad he saved that Speedwagon Foundation uniform from earlier. It was still stained with blood but he was sure he could pass it off as just having came back from the incident at the hospital or something. He quickly changed clothes behind the wall and took a deep breath for mental stability.

"Improv classes, don't fail me now." Rick bolted from out of the corner, trying to look as panic-striken as possible. Thankfully being exposed to the inane ramblings of those employees at the hospital helped him play the part.

"M-Mr. Polnareff-san!" the disguised Rick called out. He wasn't entirely sure if that was grammatically correct at all, but he couldn't fret over small details like that right now.

Polnareff turned around at hearing his name, and rushed right over when he recognized the uniform.

"Oh, thank god! You're from the Speedwagon Foundation right?" Some of Polnareff's intensity wavered in his relief. "Have you seen this bastard here?" Polnareff asked, aggressively pointing at Rick's face in the picture.

"Ahhh! I have! I have!" Rick exclaimed, waving his arms about excitedly. He was trying his best to emulate their frantic mannerisms.

"He hid in that building there!" Rick dramatically extended his arm and pointed at a nearby restaurant. Rick came at a good time, it was a bit past 9:00 pm and so the place had already closed.

Polnareff seemed to have bought the story, judging by him immediately using his Stand to slice the door apart and charging in.

"Alright, where are you! Show yourself you sniveling coward!"

Rick smiled sinisterly as he followed closely behind, unbeknownst to Polnareff. He surveyed the restaurant, not seeing any signs of someone being in there. He noticed a bathroom to the far right and made his way there to continue his search.

Naturally, Rick followed him inside. The plan was set in motion. Polnareff flicked on the light switch, confused at finding no one.

"Where...WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU HIDING?!" Polnareff screamed in complete frustration.

The bathroom door suddenly closed, and Polnareff turned his head to find just the man he was looking for.

Rick met his foe with a devilish grin.

"Right here, bitch."

 **WUBBA!**

Get Schwifty made contact with a tremendously powerful punch, slamming the unprepared Polnareff straight into the toilet, the impact shattering the open lid and sending cracks through the toilet bowl.

Polnareff's body was wracked with convulsions. He had never been so outraged in his life. Why did this kind of shit always have to happen to him in bathrooms?

"Y-you...you rotten fucking piece of shit!" Polnareff got to his feet much quicker than Rick would have expected, positively quaking in anger.

"Sneaking up on me like that... **YOU BASTAAAAARD! SILVER CHARIOT! HUUUUAAAAAAHHH!** "

Silver Chariot came forth from Polnareff's body and unleashed a blindingly fast barrage of slices and thrusts with his rapier. Even being informed of Polnareff's insane speed, Rick had no time to do anything about it. He flew backwards into the wall, though much like Polnareff he was only lightly injured thanks to his Stand's space armour plating.

"What the-?!" Polnareff exclaimed in shock. "Your Stand has armour too?!"

Rick chuckled smugly in response. "Sure does. Also, I'll give you this: Silver Chariot is actually a decent step up from the shitty Stand names your friends had." For all of Rick's confident attitude, he was actually nervous as all hell. Polnareff's speed gave him no time to think or react at all, and according to Dio his speed would only grow greater now. Somehow, Rick had to match up to this guy's agility or find some way to slow him down.

Polnareff's rage was brought to a boiling point at the mention of his dead friends. "Stop running your mouth and fight me you fucking scumbag! HUAAAAAAH!" Silver Chariot's armour suddenly shattered into pieces, revealing a much more sleek form underneath. "Now you're finished! Let's see if you can keep up with my speed now! DIEEEEEE!"

Rick knew that he in fact couldn't keep up with this guy's speed at all. He knew he had to move pre-emptively to evade his attacks. Luckily this idiot's blustering and the clear telegraphing of his attacks gave him the time to do just that. The moment Polnareff reared back his sword in preparation for a lunging attack, Rick shifted to the right and created two portals, one where Rick was standing and one on the middle of the bathroom ceiling.

The momentum Polnareff carried with his immense speed as he lunged at Rick sent him through the portal, emerging through the ceiling and falling to the floor. However, Rick noticed something very unusual about his descent. Once he came out the ceiling portal, he started falling incredibly slowly, almost as if in slow-motion. Did it have something to do with the portals itself? Could he manipulate the speed at which things traveled when they passed through the portals? Only one way to find out.

Rick grabbed a flask from his pocket and chucked it through the portal behind him. He was wondering if he could make things travel faster as well. Sure enough, as Rick willed so, the flask flew through the ceiling portal at such velocity that when it hit Polnareff's hand, it was taken clean off Polnareff's body.

"AAAAAAUGHHHHH" Polnareff screamed in agony as he looked at his severed hand in horror. But he had to fight through the pain. For Kakyoin. For Avdol. For everyone. His delirious state from the sensation of falling so slowly dissipated, and he shifted his body to land on his feet.

Even being the person that he was, Polnareff was furious beyond words. His eyes went white with rage as his body began to blur and shift in and out of existence. Seven illusionary copies of Silver Chariot formed in a horizontal line in front of him, puzzling Rick for a moment until he remembered what Dio said about his speed.

Even though Rick knew there weren't actually eight Silver Chariots in front of him, the amount of blistering speed one would have to achieve to create a trick of the eye like this is fucking insane. Rick estimated it was at least 500 mph. If he was even fucking grazed at that speed, the tons of force hitting him would surely kill him 10 times over, to say the least. Rick was simultaneously terrified and fascinated. If he was travelling even faster, theoretically he could...

Rick had an idea.

As Polnareff prepped what he would think to be one final finishing blow, Rick removed the ceiling portal and placed a new one on the opposing wall behind Polnareff. Both portals were perfectly aligned to create a straight path between them. It was time to put Rick's theory to the test.

Polnareff was still deadly silent. He pulled back his sword again to prepare for another thrust at Rick. In his mind, it was over. There was no way this bastard could follow which Silver Chariot was going to attack him from where. The confusion often left his opponents standing still, unable to process what to do. He would use this confusion to his advantage and send his Stand's sword straight through his throat where he stood.

But Polnareff didn't realize that Rick was nothing like his typical opponent.

Right before Silver Chariot flew towards Rick, he dove to the left, watching as the knightly Stand looped through the path he set out with the portals. Rick willed the portals to increase travel speed, so that each time he passed through, his speed grew faster. And faster, and faster. Silver Chariot grew blurrier and blurrier, soon becoming essentially invisible. The whooshing sound of travelling through the portals grew increasingly louder and more frequent, until streaks of flame appeared on the ground and both Silver Chariot and Polnareff completely disappeared.

Rick's mouth was gaping with disbelief. He actually pulled it off.

"Holy... shit."

* * *

For a brief moment, Polnareff's world went black. When he regained vision, he couldn't believe his eyes. Where was the person he was fighting? Where was the bathroom he was in? Nothing made any sense. What's more, when he came to his senses (relatively), what he did see was...himself? He was back in Europe somehow, and with his other self in the distance stood a man with pink, leopard-patterened hair at shoulder-length. And beside this man, there was what looked to be a Stand which was bizarrely creepy even by Stand standards.

The Stand in question was a tall humanoid one, one that sported a diagonal grid over most of its body. But its most distinct feature was unquestionably its second face on its forehead with a terrifyingly enraged expression.

Polnareff watched as his other self's Silver Chariot and this strange Stand began to fight.

"What the..." Polnareff's heart rate began to accelerate; he was practically hyperventilating.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?" Polnareff dropped to his knees and screamed to the sky, crying out of sheer hopelessness.


End file.
